~> ego.nuggit.nu <~ mng/cmt

This is an archive of journals from late high school. A bit like a diary, this was a personal fork off of my senior project at the time to build a fully functioning blog site that people could sign up for, manage, and etc. I managed to recover all the posts, but I apparently forgot to back up the comments and attached music tables before repurposing my personal server, so those are mostly gone. This is a little embarrassing but not as awful as my old Geocities/tcn.heathenkitties.net early high school journals.


2008-06-29 18:38:34 Category: IRL Log
Work was not rewarding. Work was not fun. I did not leave work with a :3 on my face. That's how it was over the winter/spring, banquet season, when we'd serve fancy meals to adults and I would act all polite with professionalface and nice white shirt and black pants and apron and shiny black shoes--although there's obviously more pressure to be professional and high quality in general, it wasn't that awful, and at the end of the day I would leave feeling like I genuinely helped. Great feeling. I mean, that's the feeling I live for.

But today was crap. I'd never done mornings before, and it was like my fifth time leading? I suck as a lead. I do. Especially when I'm leading two (yeah, only two--one person didn't even come in today) slow and/or unexperienced workers. I shouldn't be a lead--I'm obviously not quite there yet, and it's not like I get any sort of pay raise. Why should I get this responsibility? I don't want it if I'm not going to get paid for it accordingly. I was fine on the bottom rung and I'm leaving after this summer anyway. Last night was shit too--was shooting for being done at nine but I had to stay til about 10. I didn't mind the fact that I was working all on my own that last hour there, tying up loose ends in closing up the place, not feeling as pressured by the presence of others... so I felt not completely horrible because at least the place wasn't a complete mess. There were definitely some things unfinished but I figured since I was going to be there in the morning I'd just take care of it then. Hahaha.

I despise doing mornings, which is why I never work them. I thank the scheduler for usually never giving me the morning shifts.

I was going to complain some more in specifics about today, but I don't even feel like typing them out.

My mood today went from anxious to stressed to heart-wrenching guilt to complete apathy. I hit the bottom in spirit about 3 hours before I finally clocked out. I'm just glad I'm home now. I'm going to listen to Boards of Canada and self-indulge on the netz. That will cure me right up. I've got the next three days off, too.

So it's all good.

I'm going to talk to ze boss sometime.


This is my cure. :)

Boards of Canada! :D <33
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Today's profits

2008-05-29 21:48:39 Category: IRL Log
Blonde Redhead - "Silently" 3:57
12 hours of sleep and an interesting dream.

Waffles for breakfast.

Late to school.

Button fell off my cuff.

Chemistry test. Possibly a grade-raiser.

Delicious chips at book club.

Got to take home leftover cookies, chips, and jug of yummy apple juice.

Found a quarter in the parking lot.

Spilled cookie crumbs all over car seat.

Arrived home to discover I'd forgotten to set the apple juice in the car... which explains the odd thunk I heard when I turned a corner and the weird looks I got from people during the first part of my trip home with a jug of juice riding the roof of my car.
- - - - -
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If you have a sore throat

2008-05-03 12:06:37 Category: IRL Log
I highly recommend, in the morning when it hurts the most, a large warm cup of lemon ginger tea with honey.

Generally, any type of warm sugary water soothes the throat, but lemon tea with honey is yummy.

Also, banana.
And vitamin C. But not too much because I think it dehydrates you, which doesn't help while your throat hurts to swallow.

And don't take pills because it irritates your throat. I took some last night and my throat has only felt horrible since, until I drank my tea.

What a beautiful weekend!
Go out and have some fun for me while I turn the house upside down looking for my 3.5mm stereo cord.
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I am pumped

2008-04-23 22:14:50 Category: IRL Log
The Bumblebeez - "Repeater"
Sort of.

I get this way sometimes when stress starts to affect me positively (like it was meant to) instead of negatively, and I know what I need to do, and I do it. I still don't know if I can really write a conclusion paper for my Capstone and a whole Powerpoint presentation with 10-minute speech by tomorrow, but like John at work says, I can do it, I'm gonna do it, because I have to.

This isn't even binary. There is no 0.


I still feel like what society likes to call a "fucktard".
But this fucktard is on her way to graduating high school and then going to college to major in neuroscience software engineering and get a good job to pay off college debts and pay for an apartment and coke addiction later a house in the country for a husband and kids and a dog and my own online business.

As you can see, if I don't get this right, nothing will ever be right. Ever.

Back to work I go.
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2008-04-04 03:58:01 Category: IRL Log
I can't sleep.

There's a ton on my mind.

I don't feel like talking to anyone right now.

I guess I just wanted to whine about feeling crappy.

I'm probably going to pass out during class again. I hate doing that; it's disrespectful of the teachers, and I get nothing accomplished anyway. Maybe I should just leave after first period. Recline in the car, work on stuff in there or read or sleep like I do that time of day. It would be best if the sun was warming the car, but unfortunately I heard that today (yesterday?) was the last sunny day for a while.

I finally got the inspiration to start working on my senior portfolio stuff today, which I am waaaay behind in, but I had to force myself in the evening to start working on my Capstone project instead, because it's the last chance to get that checked off tomorrow. Funny how that happens. But of course I didn't get anything done at all because I decided to log onto IM... and eventually I was sprawled on the bed facing away from the computer, and I went unconscious for an hour or two because I felt like it.

I feel like throwing up.
:/ of course I never do... I haven't puked since second grade.
I suppose I'll try sleeping again.
I just can't get into making this Powerpoint for my Capstone... I hate Powerpoints.

I need to do taxes soon.
I need to apply for a passport.
I need my birth certificate for that.

I do very poorly under pressure.

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Inner ear

2008-03-26 10:09:55 Category: IRL Log
Silversun Pickups - "Well Thought Out Twinkles"
I listened to grunge/shoegaze coming home for the last time, and it's the kind of music you have to turn up loud in order to hear and feel everything that's going on. It was nice music, but eventually I turned it off. I pulled into the garage and turned off the engine, and the silence of home hit me again. I didn't want to move. I reclined the seat and closed my eyes.

The silence.

It was the inverse of the music I was listening earlier, piercing every note of my inner ear all at once--untiring, screaming, high pitched silence. Negative sound? My ears pulsed. Had the noise actually been real, I probably would have covered my ears and ran inside. When it's internal, I suppose it's easier to stand, but I don't know if it's because it's false noise or because you're actually hearing this all the time, and it just feels amplified
a million times
at home.
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I fell asleep to Merzbow last night

2008-03-24 22:27:38 Category: IRL Log
Merzbow - "Hara-Kiri Video 'Lost Paradise' Theme"
I hadn't been sleeping very well--it was full of stressful, vivid, eventful dreams that seemed to forever. So I thought, "Hah! I'll listen to Merzbow so I can have a night of totally morbid nightmares and get it all out tonight."

I woke up today feeling very rested. Feeling alright. No dreams.

So I had a shitty day instead. The nightmare manifested itself in the evening when (of course) my parents left and I was alone in the house and I couldn't think of anything possible to to do but pace and stand around the house in the dark and scare myself out of my wits.

I should go to sleep. At the same time, the mind just loves being insane, and prefers to stay in this rut and convince itself that it is perceiving the one Truth, and if I feel like lifting my spirits with anything (say music or positive thinking), that's equivalent to taking drugs to escape from your life. And I don't want to escape when I feel like I can almost... almost clasp that Truth.
But what's the drug here? My mind is intoxicating itself.

I'm too familiar with this. It's like middle school. Though it always happens at least once mid-semester while feeling guilty about schoolwork.

I've smoothed out the rut, mostly. I feel dusty.

I just found it amusing when I realized the Merzbow thing. :)
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My first visit to the Escape

2008-03-02 07:50:43 Category: IRL Log

(There used to be a music track attached to this post, but the information for it has since been lost.)

Time for a regular ol' journal.

Friday night. It was a pretty spontaneous thing, but Amy and I decided to go to the Escape, a gay friendly underage club. We kind of jumped around first, getting food ($1), drink ($2), and gas ($20)--then got lost somewhere in Portland because of an impulse double-lane change I made right before a fork on the freeway. Of course. After we finally found the place, it was already 11pm. We circled around a bit and found a $4.25/night parking place. I put a $5 into the ticket machine before I noticed in medium print, "This machine does not return change." At least I'm glad I put in a $5 instead of... a twenty or something. Then we somehow found our way to the club on foot, and waited in line because they were upgrading the sound/light system, apparently. We waited for about 15 minutes or so. It wasn't too bad. I saw Charles there in drag. There were others in drag as well--they were all pretty glam.

Was Amy a bit weirded out by the gayness? It's not exactly my default "crowd" either but it wasn't totally culture shock for me because of my past addiction to Queer as Folk (they went to gay clubs often in that show).

$7. The first thing I noticed going in was the smell of incense. Mmm. Then, going in further, how brain-rapingly loud the music is. It was mind-blowing at first. Pretty effective. They were playing some hard house, and there were already some dancing on the floor. The decor was urban and colorful. The beat--I was really feeling it.

I had fun.


I'm glad they don't play hip hop there. It tends to make me feel uncomfortable--it's a culture I just don't fit into; I mean, I listen to rap, but I listen to the non-danceable thoughtful rap. But techno/house? Yes pls. Why is techno so gay? I wonder how the techno sound appeals to that subculture so much instead of hip hop?

We didn't really know what time it was--my cell phone said 1:45 and her watch said 2:45. Apparently mine was right, but we'd already gone back to the car. I know I was tired--I'd gotten only a few hours of sleep the night before then, trying to finish English homework (that I neither finished or turned in--partly I felt like crap that day before going out). Other than being tired, I wanted to get home soonish because I'd told my parents I'd be home at 12. I hoped they were sleeping (and they were, yay).

We decided to go to Shari's on 181st. :D I went North on I-5, but I saw no sign of I-84, and we found ourselves in Washington state. I turned around in Camas and went south. ...we eventually got onto I-84, then off, and into Shari's. I've come to accept getting lost as the norm, so other than the using up of gas, it wasn't bad. We were just desperate for some hot fluffy breakfast edibles. It wasn't empty, but it wasn't full of people either. Imagine working graveyard shift at a restaurant like that--that would be interesting. It seems twilight zone for me. I wouldn't mind working at Sheri's, god I love the menu, especially breakfast. We decided to split meals. We ordered a blueberry crepe, a "cinnamasation" toast platter with fried eggs/bacon/sausage, and a side of regular toast. Oh man, it was good. Especially the cinnamon french toast. They were thick and hearty and exactly what I wanted. The crepes were really good too, sweet as they were. We were stuffed and satisfied. A 3am meal.

Then I drove Amy home; then myself. I actually had to stop like 5 minutes from home, because I didn't want to fall asleep and kill myself. The blood rushing down from my brain to digest, probably. I did finally get home around 4:30 and went to bed right away.

I woke around 2pm, and I stayed in bed. I got a call half past 3 informing me that I worked at 3pm, not 5 as I clearly saw on the schedule a few days ago. I had to chop off a very interesting IM conversation with Fletch about an emotionally unstable violent ex-girlfriend and his fear for his physical safety. Yeah.

I had no breakfast, and I was not ready for work but I went. I had "GAY" stamped on my inner wrist in rainbow, and you could see it if I pulled up my sleeves a bit when I washed my hands at work. Nobody saw. Heh.

And now I have to go to work uh-gayn.
Bagel, shower, then I go. I don't like working mornings. My energy always dies, like last night, which was pretty much morning for me. I woke up at 5am, a bit too early for me. Hopefully it's not too bad.
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2008-02-01 22:25:11 Category: IRL Log

(There used to be a music track attached to this post, but the information for it has since been lost.)

Well, I just came back from work. I'm glad I worked today. At least I contributed a little something positive to society, helping out and earning some honest money.

Everything else: fail.


Eng B ** C
Indep B ** D
Prog B * C
Postsec F
Chem B *

The grades on the left was what I was going for, and rewritten are the grades I can only hope for now. That makes for a 3.21 GPA. If I had decided to drop Post Secondary Planning a week earlier so that I wouldn't have missed the class dropping deadline, then my GPA would be 3.27 with the worst case scenario. Or maybe if I went and begged my counselor about dropping the class since I was only a week past the deadline and he likes me, then I could have dropped it. But that didn't happen. This happened. There's nothing I can do.

No more scholarship.

At one point I mentioned how much I needed moneys, but my coworker (our first time working together, but I knew him from grade school) gave me a look and said he needed money because he has a two month old son.
Then I felt bad. Because it's true.

That coworker/ex-classmate and I, we went totally different directions in life. But we have the same 30GB white iPod video.

Mental self-preservation kicks in at some point during my intense anxiety and tells me, just get student loans like a bunch of other people do. It's not the end of the world.

I'm working at 6am tomorrow.
My left cheek is swollen. It's funny.
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Good news bad news

2008-01-26 19:47:21 Category: IRL Log
I got accepted to OIT with a scholarship of $1000 a year for my shiny SAT composite score and my GPA which is above 3.30. :D

And I wrote this other C++ program last week.

#include <iostream>
using std::cout;
using std::cin;
int main()
cout << "Hi, I will calculate your GPA. I'll need to know your current cumulative GPA, how many
HALF credits you have earned so far, and the grades you are getting in your currently enrolled
int curcredits, numclasses;
float curgpa, newgpa;
cout << "Current GPA: ";
cin >> curgpa;
cout << "Number of half-credits: ";
cin >> curcredits;
cout << "How many classes are you taking this semester? ";
cin >> numclasses;
int x, total=0;
cout << "\nNow you must tell me what grades you are getting in your current classes. Give me
numbers, not letter grades.\n For your reference:\n A=4; B=3; C=2; D=1; F=0\n\n";
for(int i=0; i cout << "Class #" << i+1 << ": ";
cin >> x;
total += x;
newgpa = ((curgpa*curcredits)+total)/(curcredits+numclasses);
cout << "\n HOKAY YOUR NEW GPA IS " << newgpa;
getchar(); getchar();
return 0;

After compiling and running, it asks you for the information and you type it in.

It looks like this if you're me.

Hi, I will calculate your GPA. I'll need to know your current cumulative GPA, how many HALF
credits you have earned so far, and the grades you are getting in your currently enrolled classes.
Current GPA: 3.43
Number of half-credits: 47
How many classes are you taking this semester? 6

Now you must tell me what grades you are getting in your current classes. Give me numbers, not
letter grades.
For your reference:
A=4; B=3; C=2; D=1; F=0

Class #1: 2
Class #2: 1
Class #3: 2
Class #4: 3
Class #5: 0
Class #6: 2


3.23 ain't gonna keep me that scholarship.
I must rise above my estimates. D:

My calculations say that if I get 3.27 after this semester, then next semester I get two B's and 3 A's (I'm dropping Class #5) I will barely have exactly 3.30. That's what I'll shoot for and my gawd if I don't I am toast.


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So much stuff to do

2007-12-20 20:57:05 Category: IRL Log
I'm posting another blog this evening because this is my ego page, and it's full of self-importance. And you can't do anything about it. >:(

I feel so whiny saying this, because my friend Miriam has eight (almost nine) classes to tend to, as well as volunteering at a hospital all the time, and various clubs and organizations she's in, but she works and gets straight A's and is simply an awesome person. I don't even envy her. She deserves much respect.

And here I am, saying "waugh i hav so much 2 do" with my arms flopping out and my butt molded to the chair; yeah, I have much to do because I'm a lazy ass.

Tomorrow's the last day before winter break. I need to turn in stuff for English, like my journals, which were due Monday but whateva. >:( I need to write a "descriptive" paper about my work habits (lordy...) that was due a few weeks ago, but I can't get that done by tomorrow. The third paper was assigned just the other day. I should start on that. There was something miscellaneous that was assigned that I need to type up. I think I'll do that after this. At school tomorrow I'll do the other more computer-related things left to do for the week.

Friday, that's tomorrow. After school I'm going to RHS, waiting for 30 minutes in the parking lot for school to get out so I can go in (maybe I'll buy some goodies at Safeway...) and attend Book Club where we're having a holiday party with a white elephant gift exchange and games and stuff. It was fun last year, at least. My sister's coming in from Japan around that time--I'll see her when I get home.

Before she comes home, I have to clean my room, which I was doing an hour ago, while listening to Aphex Twin - Drukqs, CD1. I'ma go back later and listen to CD2 to finish up. The good thing about having a queen size bed stuffed in there is that there's less floorspace to clear off.

Now that I've got the blog set up on here, and the user blogs starting to work, I've got a lot of ideas for this site. It's refreshing. :) I hope I can actually work on it over the break.
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Got my progress report.

2007-12-20 20:04:07 Category: IRL Log
Le suck.

English: F
Programming: B
Senior Capstone: Pass

Post Secondary: F
Chemistry: D
Career Portfolio: Incomplete

And my post secondary teacher hates me. :(
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Whoa, I got my SAT scores

2007-11-20 16:55:17 Category: IRL Log

2 points for conventions, I think.

I've estimated that when I graduate I'll have at best a GPA around 3.3. They say test scores and grades balance each other out--I wonder what colleges I could get into with this combo?

But it doesn't really matter. What matters is if I have the money to even go to school. Scholarships? Hah, they'd rather give scholarships to hard workers than lazy smartasses. What matters also is if I even want to go to school. Thing is, every year, I get more and more tired of it. Mark Twain said, "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education," which I love, except I have to be schooled or else GPA=crap blah blah blah. They like it when you do what they tell you to do and be what they want you to be. I don't disagree because it really is the most efficient when everyone fits the mold. I wanted to fit the mold. I don't much want to anymore, but I'm still trying because I know it's the only way to get anywhere. I wish I could just sit at home and do my thing with the site and make a business of some sort, but I probably can't.

Whatever, I'll be fine.


I'm leaving on a car trip tomorrow to San Francisco with my parents (no reason, just fun). I'm excited. I love car trips and hotels! I'll have internet over there too, so I'll probably log on.

I am so spoiled. :P

Happy early Thanksgiving.
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Oh wow, the SAT

2007-09-27 20:05:00 Category: IRL Log
is going to kick my butt.

I get this "SAT Question of the day" now to my email, and I just took all of them, and I got half of them wrong.

I haven't taken a math class in two years. I'm getting rusty.

Have you signed up for the SAT? :D


Life has been interesting. School is galloping forward at a snail pace, and it's starting to get hard to keep up, but stuff is interesting nevertheless.


In other news, I've taken a liking to the Windows hosts file.
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how do i cooked potato (pw=temp)

2007-09-15 13:09:48 Category: IRL Log

Entry is private. Enter password

# nuggit.nu #